4th Birthday poem I wrote xx
Another year has passed us by and still I feel the same,
My girl should have been four now, instead I have this pain.
I think about her often, of all the things we’d do,
“It feels like only yesterday that I gave birth to you”.
I long to feel just happiness, be like a normal mum,
But my heart has been broken and a part of me stays numb.
I’m forced to go about my life, as if it wasn’t real,
Most days I have to carry on, forgetting how I feel.
I’m a mum to two girls don’t you know, but they only ask of one,
And I feel guilty if I don’t mention, I had two but one is gone.
Both my girls are amazing, each in their own way.
They both had different jobs to do, roles in my life to play.
I was far too young to lose a child, I always think “why me?”
But life works in mysterious ways and she just wasn’t meant to be.
I often think how life would be if my baby had pulled through,
If I’d had to see her suffer I wouldn’t have known what to do.
I know I would have coped because I’d have had no other choice,
I just wish my girl had seen my face or even heard my voice.
But those pretty eyes never opened and so she never saw her mummy,
She only knew my mumbled sounds as I whispered through my tummy.
But my girl knows how loved she was, not just for that one day,
She knows if I could have taken her place I would, so she could stay.
I felt the bond from that blue line and she’d made my life complete,
9 months of anxiously waiting until that day we’d get to meet.
The day I became a mum I felt so proud, my best achievement ever,
My view of the world changed suddenly, as did the good weather.
From a sunny day to snow fall, I think that was a sign,
Those happy feelings were short-lived; it was just a matter of time.
All that still feels like yesterday and there’s no part I’ll ever forget,
But now I can think of her and smile, and feel more grateful than upset.
For I got to hold an angel in my arms and feel all the love that it brings,
She had lots to do in such little time, changed me before she grew wings.
I had to buy birthday things, flowers/cards/balloons today,
Trying to fight back tears as I found a card with the right words to say.
Suddenly realising how grown up she’d be now, literally kills me inside,
A million tears won’t bring her back I know because I’ve cried.
I have to learn to live my life as though I’d not felt this pain,
And cling on to the thought that one day I will see her again…
Hannah Byron 21st March 2012
4th Birthday....
Happy 4th Birthday to my big beautiful girl. You would be so grown up now, I cannot tell you how much I miss you. I thought it would be easier now but it isnt...I would give anything to be spoiling you today, having bought you all the presents you wanted, got a cake, planned a trip out or a party....but I cant do anything like that. Instead I will spend it, thinking of you and wishing things had been different. Im still strong baby girl, you made me this way, and i know i'll be fine. I cant change fate and that you werent meant to be here, but i can be grateful that I had you for 20 hours and that those hours achieved more than most people could in a whole lifetime.
I will visit your garden later today and leave flowers...balloons.
Please know that where ever you are and what ever you are doing today, i am here thinking of you and missing you.
Forever and ever....
xxxx
Just for today.....
Just for today I will try to get through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my daughter’s death, but instead learn to live with it.
Just for today I will remember my daughter’s life, not her death, and bask in the comfort of those treasured days and the moments we shared while I carried her.
Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends who didn’t help or comfort me the way I wanted them to.
They truly did not know how.
Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or a friend, for they are hurting too.
Perhaps we can comfort each other.
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt.
For in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to heal my daughter, I would have done it.
Just for today I will honour my daughter’s memory by doing something with another child. Because I know that would have made my own child proud.
Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent.
For I do know how it feels.
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving.
And the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.
Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be called a Mummy.
Just for today I will allow myself to be happy.
For I know that I am not deserting her by moving on.
Just for today I will accept the fact that I am alive whilst my child is not.
My life does go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.
Just for today.
Hello my little snow flake girl
Sorry its been so long since i was on here last.
I just wanted you to know that there hasnt been a day were you havent been in my thoughts. i wish i could have you here so i could have a cuddle with you coz its days like today when im finding it hard to go on. but one day i will meet you again and we can cath up then, ill tell you all about layla and get to see how much you have grown up.but untill that day comes could you please look over layla and your muumy coz i love them both so much as thay mean the world to me. ill never forget you.
love you always Daddy xxxxxxx
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happy easter xxx
Happy 3rd Birthday xx
Hello my beautiful little girl, just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday again as the day draws to a close. Only a little while now until the exact time you were born, as i right this time 3 years ago my waters were just about to break and our lives were to change forever. I cant describe how much i miss you because words aren't enough, you know that. We have Layla here who we love and cherish so much but it doesn't replace the void that you left. You are both so special to us in your own ways and as the years slip by, you will be not be thought about any less because you aren't here with us like she is. Mummy got your name imprinted on her arm yesterday because i felt ready to be asked about you without crying. Im trying to carry your memory and talk about you with a smile rather than feeling so sad. I want to remember how much you changed me and all the good you brought to us in your short time with us. You know what you did to us all was amazing as you made us better people. You taught me that I can do anything i set my mind to do and that nobody can ever hurt me again because i've already felt the worse pain imaginable. You taught me how to be a great parent to Layla and not to take anything for granted. I aim to make you and Layla proud of me. Your birthday is always hard for me but it also is another reminder of how strong you have made me, the fact that we are here 3 years down the line and being the person i am today shows how far i've come. If i could go back and do it all again i would, just to get those precious 20 hours with you and cuddles and kisses i would never forget. I can still feel your soft hands in mine when i think of you, and your smell and the feel of your hair, your soft skin and your cute little toes. I will never forget a thing because you left too much of you here with me. When i sat down to start writing this, i felt like i didnt know what i was going to say but it just started coming and now i cant stop. I know that you will be happy where ever you are, out of pain and suffering and that it is us down here that are the ones who feel sorrow, but that is just because we miss you so much and what should have been. I want you know that one day i will see you again and i look forward to that. I want to be your mummy like i should have been right from the start, to cuddle you when you feel sad and tell you everythings going to be alright when you're poorly. To laugh with you and tickle you, to do all the mummy things we were robbed of. I always give Layla extra kisses that were meant for you, I squeeze her that little bit tighter when we cuddle and i stare at her longer when she sleeps because im seeing parts of you in her. I will remember you always, my precious darling first born daughter...the one who made me see the world through new eyes....
I am and always will be forever thankful that you came into our lives....
Until we meet again,
All my love,
Mummy x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Princess
Cinderella walked on broken glass
Sleeping Beauty let a whole lifetime pass
Belle fell in love with a hideous beast
Jasmine married a common thief
Ariel walked on land for life
Snow White barely escaped a knife
It was all about blood, sweat and tears
Because Love means facing your biggest fears.
Thinking of you on your little sister's birthday and also as your own Birthday and Angel Day approach.
Love to you and all your family sweetheart XXXX
I Lost My Child Today
I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say
To try and make the pain go away.
I walked the floor in disbelief.
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away.
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream
"This can't be real" I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year.
Now people, who had come, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long,
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, "Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long!"
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
"She must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time.
The songs the same, as is the rhyme:
I lost my child......Today.
Cosmic Love
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart.
Lyrics from Florence and the Machine
To My Daddy from Your Angel (for Fathers Day)
Daddy you will never see me
Look at you and give a smile,
Or tie my laces really tight
Or get to walk me down the aisle.
You’ll never teach me A,B,C’s
Or read to me and tuck me in,
You’ll never kiss and make me laugh
With tickles from your spiky chin.
You’ll never watch me graduate
For my cap and gown, I’ll never see,
And you’ll never hold my babies,
Like you never get to cuddle me.
You would have been the best Daddy,
But I had gone before I really knew,
So, instead of watching me, my Daddy,
I’ll be watching over you.
Thinking of your angel and all your family this Father's Day Sunday, I know it will be very bitter-sweet. Much love xxxx
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