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Tia Lillie Byron Mcdonnell

~In Loving Memory ~

Tia Lillie Byron McDonnell
Born on 20th March 2008 at 23:45
Fell asleep on 21st March 2008 at 21:00

Baby daughter of Hannah Byron and Andrew McDonnell

Tia was born weighing 9lb 2oz and had a thick head of long dark brown hair, much to the surprise of everyone in the delivery room! She had dark blue eyes and was a lovely pink colour. She will be very much remembered by those that got to meet her. She had the cutest big feet...the newborn socks I put on her just about fitted.

Sadly Tia passed away at only 20 hours old due to Pulmonary Hypoplasia. When I was 21 weeks pregnant the doctors found that Tia had a pleural effusion (fluid in a space in the lung where there should be none) and this had caused her right lung to not be able to developed properly. Further ultrasounds later found that she also had a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH). Tia was given a 60-70% chance of survival before birth, which unfortunately decreased when she was born. The doctors realised her left lung had also not developed the way it should have. This caused Tia to not be able to get enough oxygen round her body and they were unable to stabilize her. Her little heart stopped at around 9pm as she no longer had the strength to fight.

The whole pregnancy was spent worrying about Tia and how things might go, by not just us but most of our family and friends too. With Andy's help I was able to stay positive and we really believed our little girl would be Ok in the end. I was referred to a Fetal Medicine Unit in London and attended fortnightly check-ups and ultrasounds, which in spite of everything we enjoyed, as we got to see our little girl growing at every stage and we got to see her lovely little face in 4D. At around 26 weeks pregnant I had a pleuro-amniotic drain which involved a needle going through me and into Tia's chest to drain the excess fluid, which unfortunately re-accumulated a week later. The decision was made not to drain it again as the cause was unknown and it would have been unnecessary to keep putting both me and Tia through the pain. The plan was made for the birth and I would be induced two weeks early so that the right people could be standing by ready for Tia entering the world. I went into hospital on Monday 17th March where we had the shunt done again, in order to give Tia more lung space when she was born, I was kept in for a few days after that. I met some lovely people while in hospital and some great midwives. One night before bed I was put on the monitors to check Tia's heartbeat and her little personality already started to show, she would have a lovely heartbeat while the midwife was standing next to the machine but the moment she would walk out of the room, Tia would 'play up' and make the alarms sound only to return to normal when the midwife came back in. This would make both the midwife and me laugh, she was so much like her daddy already, a joker. After days of waiting anxiously for a cot to become available and then a delivery bed, it came to the Thursday (20th March) and I was finally to be induced, at 39 weeks. I was taken down to the delivery room, more nervous than I've ever been in my life, not for the pain but for the worry that I knew would come afterwards. The room was really big and all the equipment that lay waiting for the baby terrified me. I was induced at 16:55 and then spent the next few hours trying to pass the time. My waters broke naturally with what felt like a 'pop' at 21:50 and by 22:00 I was having really strong contractions.

At 23:45 out came Tia with a hand over her face and the cord wrapped around her neck. The doctors lay her on me for a second while they did what they had to do with the cord. I will never forget the proud look on Andy's face when he looked at me, sobbing with tears telling me how beautiful our baby girl was. I barely got to see her before she was sedated, intubated and whisked out of the room and down to the NNU. They had to sedate her so that she wouldn't try and fight them as she tried to breath by herself and this could have caused her harm. As soon as I got cleaned up and stitched from my 2nd degree tear, I went straight down to meet my little girl.

She lay there so small and helpless in her incubator and from then on I didn't leave her side, unless I had to step out for the doctors to get to her. She had taken a bad turn just after she was born and they had to change her ventilation as she didn't like the first method. I had refused to go up to the ward to sleep and Andy didn't want to go home, we both waited in the NNU waiting room a few rooms down from Tia for the next 3 hours until we were allowed in to see her. She had a number of x-rays and tests done over the next few hours which was showing that she was not doing as well as we had all hoped she might when I was pregnant. Her right lung had ruptured leaving her with two poorly lungs and not able to oxygenate her body. She was given a blood transfusion and then she started to perk up, looking a lovely pink colour for what would be the last time. Her oxygen levels were sitting at around 70-80% and this gave us so much hope for her.

The consultants explained how they had now tried everything they could for Tia and now we just needed to hope she could stay the way she was, it was all in her hands. I stayed next to her for the next few hours holding her tiny hand and kissing her and singing silly songs to her. The nurses actually told me that while I was with her doing these things, her stats stayed good. It came to about 20:00 that night and we had to step out while they did another x-ray and staff change over. Just after 20:30, Tia's nurse was banging on our room door with tears in her eyes, telling us to come quickly. Tia had taken a turn for the worst and her lungs were failing her...her stats were reading at about 7% oxygen in her whole body. I walked up to my little girl crying and angry that they had turned off her overhead heater, I was told this was because her temperature had been very high. I knew what was happening but I couldn't face it. I pleaded with Tia to perk up but I knew it was nearing the end. Andy and I were taken into a room where the doctor explained what was happening and asking for our permission to turn off her machines. They assured us that they had been on the phone all day to Great Ormond Street hospital who were giving advice and until all avenues had been exhausted. Even still, I begged the doctor to try something else but there was nothing she could say to me, she just sat watching me screaming and crying. The next thing, there was a knock at the door with a male nurse calling the doctor out. The doctor walked back in and her next words were "I'm sorry, but her heart has stopped"....Those words will stick with me forever.

Tia was supposed to be transferred to GOSH just as soon as she was stable enough to have repair surgery on her diaphragm, but unfortunately, we never got there.

I sometimes feel so angry with myself for being so selfish and asking Tia to hang on when she was so weak, but I just couldn't bare to lose her, I loved her too much to imagine being without her. It seemed that she knew how hard it was for us to make the decision that was being asked of us, so she made the choice for us.

Over the next few hours, we gave her her first cuddles and bathed and changed her. Walking out of the hospital at around 1am without my little girl was just horrible. We made sure to get as many memories of her as we could including photo's, a lock of her hair, the hat she wore in the NNU, her cord clamp and her hand and footprints. They will never be enough, but they help.

I am truly thankful to the specialists that looked after Tia while she was inside me, especially Mr Pandya and his team. We will be eternally grateful to the nurses and doctors in the Neonatal Unit who did all they could and for not leaving Tia's side, they really are angels and we knew our little girl was in the best hands there. Also the family and friends who have been there for us both and have helped get us through this hard time. Also my midwives, Linda and Jaz, who have been great support and who have not forgotten about me.

Tia was laid to rest in Waltham Abbey Cemetery on 2nd April 2008 after a lovely service held at Waltham Abbey Church, by Rev Martin Webster. The church had few empty seats, if any and it was nice to have such a good turn out for our little girl. It just showed how many people wanted to meet her and how loved she is.

I would like to thank all those people who kindly and generously donated money at Tia's funeral to the 'Tia Fund' that will soon be given to the NNU at University College Hospital, London, in Tia's name to help sick babies like her.

Tia meant to world to both her me and her daddy and she would have been the most loved and spoiled little girl there ever was. We may have only got 20 hours with her but it felt like a lifetime and we will cherish those hours in our hearts forever.

Tia you are the most beautiful thing we have ever seen. You are the best thing that has ever happened to us and we are, and always will be, so proud of you princess. We will never ever forget you! Sleep well and go play with angels darling, our only comfort is knowing you're not suffering anymore...

We love you so much, Mummy & Daddy xxxxx

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Update May08
We raised £650 from Tia's funeral which was donated to the Neo-Natal Unit at UCLH on 28th April 08. With the help of Gift Aid the hospital should also be able to claim an extra £182 from the government, giving them a total of £832! We suggested that the money be used to improve facilities for parents who's babies were in the NNU. There is now a memorial of Tia on the wall of the NNU showing the money that was donated in her memory.

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Update Sept08
I am pregnant again with Tia's little brother or sister due 5th February 09! We know what we are having but are not revealing until the day, but lets just say we are over the moon! We know that Tia has been watching over us as for once we are getting some good luck and things are looking better, i hope that this little darling i'm carrying will resemble you so we can see you growing up with them as the years go on. Nothing or no-one can fill the empty space we feel in our hearts, but I guess having your sibling is the closest we will be to you my sweetheart. xxxxxx

Update Feb09
Tia's baby sister Layla Rose came into the world on 7th Feb 09 at 2:55am, weighing 8lbs 12oz. She is happy and healthy and the image of her big sister..x

Add TributeTributes to Tia

There have been 101 tributes left for Tia.

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Darling Grandaughter Tia

Hello sweetness, I think i'm helping mummy, but my mission now is to help nanny. I'm sure you can help me.Together we can help ease the pain that's still there. Wish me luck, hope your having fun and have found Toni Rose, I'm sure you have. Love hugs and kisses from nanny and grandad xxxxxxx

Betty McDonnell (Grandmother)
6 days ago

Darling Grandaughter

Hello sweetpea, please visit mummy in her dreams as she needs to feel you near at the moment. I don't need to tell you that cause you already know how difficult it is for her and daddy. Daddy always looks after mummy, and never thinks about heself, but he hurts to, so wrap your wings around them both tonight and keep them safe in your love, and help them think of you with a smile. Never more then a thought away, nite nite and god bless love Nanny xxxxx

Betty McDonnell (Grandmother)
3 weeks ago

Hi its me again...

Hi honey,

I got a bit upset last night after talking to you on here, as you will have seen. I couldnt get you off my mind and how much in missing you. I was trying to explain to daddy how when i think about you, it actually hurts and he agreed with me. We were talking about you until late into the night, remembering all the good times and bad. As we were talking it actually felt as though the last time i saw you or held you in my arms was yesterday. It was quite strange considering its been over a year, but still feels so fresh. I still dont feel as though my pain has eased, like people said it would. Dont get me wrong, Layla is my little angel and i live for her and your daddy but i still cant get rid of this horrible aching feeling, and i guess i never will. I just dont want to accept that your not coming back, it still all feels like a dream that i will wake up from. I can't believe your daddy and I actually went through the worse heartache imaginable and came out the other side. If i didnt have your daddy, I have no idea where i would be right now. I just wish you were here to be part of the fun we have, your daddy has proved himself to be the most wonderful father anyone could wish for and i hope he is making you proud with layla, he is certainly is me. I hope you feel like i am also doing a good job with her, i am certainly doing my very best and always will do.

I know i go on and on darling and i dont want to upset you by keep crying and feeling down all the time but i just wish i could have one more day with you, just to give you one last cuddle, one last kiss, one last chance to breathe you in. I just miss you so so much.

I have learnt a lot of things i didnt know over the past few weeks and my eyes have been opened to a lot of things, i just wish things had been like this two years ago when we could have really done with it. But past is past and as you can see now things in our lives are so much better now. As I always say my darling, everything happens for a reason...

As daddy was saying last night, we will see you again one day, just a long time from now. I hope you will be waiting for me, i'm going to give you the biggest squidge ever!!!

Daddy is sleeping next to me on the sofa, he cant handle these late nights like mummy heehee, i better go and have my bath and get into bed.

As much as i want to see you, these messages will have to be enough for now...

All my love, forever and always

Your ever loving mummy xxx

Hannah Byron Tia Byron Mcdonnells Mummy (Mother)
3 weeks ago

Hello sweetheart...

Hello my gorgeous little darling,

Thought i'd quickly stop by and tell you that im thinking of you. I've just read the little poem that mummys friend Rachel left for you below, and she has made me cry, as she always does with her lovely words.

Mummy is missing you terribly, words cannot describe how much. I still wish you were here more than anything. I think the more time that passes the more i ache for you inside, like a piece of me is missing. Layla is 4 months old now and getting her little character more and more as the days go on. She is so funny and keeps me smiling. Daddy and I were talking the other night about when we want to have the next baby, and wondering if it would be a brother or a sister for you and layla...even though we can have more children it will still never feel that our family is complete, it will never be without you here. Next month it will have been 2 years ago that i found out i was carrying you, i noticed it in the calendar today. I cant believe how time has flown. I can still remember that morning...It was a Saturday morning Daddy and me were living at nanny betty and grandad mikes at the time. I got up around 9am to do a pregnancy test as I'd been 'late'. As i sat on the loo preparing to wait 2 or 3 minutes, the little blue cross appeared straight away! You certainly wanted to make yourself known didnt you. I ran straight into daddy who was still waking himself up and threw the test at him, shaking in my skin. I was nervous and a bit scared but it felt right. Right from the start i felt protective of you and knew that you were meant to be. That day daddy and me went to North Weald market and on the way there a silly man hit our car with his van and mummy went crazy! lol, i flew out of the car and started screaming next to his window because i knew i had to look after you growing there inside me.

I still remember everything about you - how your kicks felt to how you used to wriggle about as soon as i got in the bath. I remember driving home from work and singing to you at the top of my lungs, probably badly but im sure you enjoyed it ;-)

Well i could go on and on princess talking to you, but daddy is sitting next to me wanting to go to bed so i must leave it here for now.

Love you up to the stars and back again.....

Mummy xxxxxx

Hannah Byron Tia Byron Mcdonnells Mummy (Mother)
3 weeks ago

You cannot see or touch me
But I'm standing next to you.
Your tears will only hurt me,
Your sadness makes me blue.
Be brave and show a smiling face
Let not your grief show through.
I love you from a different place,
Yet I'm standing next to you.

Rachel Bass. Josh (Family Friend)
4 weeks ago

Simply Put

Simply put ...I really miss you
I've continued to ask why
Life took this dreadful wrong turn...
Now I often sit and cry
*♥* *♥*
Simply put ...my heart is broken
Most people have no clue
Unless they live this heartache...
They don't know what I've lived through
*♥* *♥*
Simply put... I long to hug you
Share a gentle warm embrace
Often spend each day just wishing....
This truth could somehow be erased
*♥* *♥*
Simply put... I can't remember...
Why I never heard your voice
Memories are often painful...
I was not given any choice
*♥* *♥*
Simply put... I know I'm grieving
Won't get better through the years
I have learned some coping methods...
To accept this new frontier
*♥* *♥*
Simply put... I'm good at masking
Denying what I feel
For I know deep down inside me...
I will never truly heal.
*♥* *♥*
Simply put...I really miss you
No one knows the pain I bear
Simply put... there is no reason
Losing you was just not fair.
*♥* *♥*

Rachel Bass. Josh (Family Friend)
June 2, 2009

To My Princess

Hey sweetpea,

Thought I would stop by and say hi and tell you that i'm thinking of you. I miss you so much and think about you all the time. As Layla is getting older im missing you more and more as i know what i didnt get to share with you, all the cuddles, kisses, giggles... I would love you to be here to play with her and look after her, as I know you be the proud big sister and want to protect her but i'm sure you're doing that from where you are. Things have been really good lately, and its been really nice. Last year was the hardest year of my life but this year feels so different.

Mummy and daddy have finally agreed on a date for the wedding and it will be May 2012, in Florida. I hope you will be coming with us. Layla will be my flower girl and I would have given anything to have you there as one too, it wont be the same without you. Layla has been a ray of sunshine on my life and i dont know how i would cope without her. She is the image of you and everybody else thinks so too, which is really nice...i know there is some of you in there somewhere.

Mummy hopes to go and see a medium sometime this year so i can hear how you are doing, i think Nanny betty knows of a good one, so i hope she can help me. Well we've had uncle Robs staying with us for the last few days which has been nice and he's asked if we can come and see you tomorrow. We will bring you some flowers and i have presents for you from daddy and me, nanny mads and auntie julie that we bought you on holiday. We had a really nice time, but you know that as you were there werent you. Tia im going to stop writing here because mummys getting a bit upset, but i will come and visit your garden tomorrow.

I love you, my darling daughter, whom i am so proud of...

Mummy xxxxx

Hannah Byron Tia Byron Mcdonnells Mummy (Mother)
May 31, 2009

Special Little Lady

Hello sweet heart, i hope your being good and playing nicely. I wish i had to buy two dresses today instead of one. So i made that one extra special. Keep being a guiding light for your sister and mummy and daddy. They know your always with them. So enjoy your first hoilday, and keep everyone safe.If Hugs and kisses were wishes there would be only one to make. Sleep tight, nite nite lots of love nanny and grandad xxxx

Betty McDonnell (Grandmother)
May 24, 2009

☆ LOVE TO YOU ☆
♡ღ♥ღ♡ღ♥ღ♡ღ♥ღ♡ღ♥ღ♡
┊　　 ┊　　 ┊　　 ♥
┊　　 ┊　　 ♥
┊　　 ♥
♥

Amanda Magee (Friend)
April 28, 2009

Darling Grandaughter

Hello baby girl, it's been a long time and your now a year old.It only seems like yesterday i held you and said goodbye. But a year has brought a lot of changes. Your little sister is a beam of happiness, and you can see, although daddy and mummy miss you terribly, the joy Layla brings lights the way ahead. Grandad and I often talk about you, but you know grandad silence speaks alot. You're always in my prayers and give great nanny and grandad a big hug from me. I miss you all, but see your stars shining brightly at night. You will never be forgotten and always have a special place in our hearts.

Play nicely on the clouds, and remember your family while your having fun. Sweet dreams little lady.

Lots of love always Nanny and Grandad xxx

Betty McDonnell (Grandmother)
April 27, 2009

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Add GiftTia's Gifts

There have been 2 gifts left for Tia.

	Hope you have a good heavely birthday sweetheart xxx

From Fiona

	Happy 1st Birthday to a very special little girl! Love Rachel, David, James & Josh xxxx

From Rachel